Gratitude for What Is

As I’ve been going deep into this shadow work, I’ve been witnessing the aspects of shadow emerging into something different. I get to take ownership for every trigger and every emotion that lives inside of me as something that gets to be processed and possessed. There are many aspects in life that may actually hinder our growth, sometimes it’s necessary for this kind of ‘hindrance’ because we aren’t quite ready to face parts of ourself yet, but sometimes it actually causes us more pain in the long run because we are outsourcing our power for happiness, comfort and okay-ness to the outside world. Which is a very precarious way to live.

When we allow ourselves to go deeply into our discomforts, we have two choices. 1) To continue to externalize our unhappiness. Which means until we have x, y and z we can be happy. Until that person does x, y and z I will be happy, until I am and I have x, y and z I will be happy. And all of the anger that comes along with believing that others and circumstances NEED to show up to please your thoughts. This is living in delusion and will always end badly.

The second choice is 2) to take ownership. When you are feeling angry, upset triggered, sad, in need of something. Turn inside. Communicate fully with that aspect of yourself who is in full hurt. Express compassion, love and care for those hurt aspects of self. Validate those positions, check to see if everything has been expressed. And ask what can be internally done to show up for oneself.

Sometimes it may be difficult for an answer to come. Maybe no answer will come. Sometimes the answer will appear really ridiculous. It doesn’t matter, listen and make a commitment to what comes.

I can give an example.

I had a part of myself who was really fighting hard against doing any kind of work. There was immense resistance and struggle.

I couldn’t understand why these things that I knew that I WANTED, I couldn’t seem to find the POWER to actually do them.

Two things showed up:

1)Lack of understanding, compassion and communication with self.

2)Necessity to commit to daily practice

In this first part of understanding, communication and compassion with self. I had an open dialogue with that part of myself who was obviously not congruent with the rest, and causing all sorts of chaos. This part of me didn’t always wanted to be driven like a slave. It didn’t want to be told all the time what to do, and how to do it. It resisted so much, that in fact, I wasn’t fully able to do the things I wanted to because there was so much resistance. It was that inner rebellious teen/child, who wanted to play sometimes too. I recognized that in not also scheduling time for fun, it was creating havoc for my scheduled time for work.

I showed up to that part of myself and made a commitment, okay, dance parties 3x a day I will schedule on my phone, doesn’t matter if it’s even 5 minutes and if I don’t make it to every dance party, but at minimum I will show up to 1 dance party a day for at least 15 minutes.

I can’t say how much this has dramatically improved that aspect of self that was almost impossible to work with. Many youtube videos — and I’ve watched a lot, talk about the motivation necessary when dealing with self and how you have to do things, despite not ‘feeling’ like it, and basically ‘FORCING’ yourself to work.

I don’t know about you, but this doesn’t work for me. I am a cancer sign. My sign is all about emotions and when I have an intense emotion, I have to work through that stuff because my emotions are debilitating if I don’t manage them. I am always learning about emotions because I can’t ignore them. I can’t put them under the rug, I can’t just ‘step’ into strength. It doesn’t work for me. That’s why I’ve gotten so far deep into energy medicines and many emotional tools because I’m a water sign, and this is my life. If I don’t manage the intense emotions, they manage me, and during the times of my life where that is the case it means debilitating anxiety and depression, and these states are not exactly life affirming. Luckily there are incredible number of tools to support and heal these states. And these are the kinds of tools I enjoy sharing :)

Number 2, in order to avert disaster, one has to be mindful of the elements of ones life that helps prevent that. If I know that having at least 1 dance party a day keeps me productive and on task with the rest of my life, I have to make it just as much a priority as everything else I am doing. I have to commit to that. And what I have found in research, is that the people who are the most successful, never take a day off from what matters to them. Because - taking a day off risks taking 2 days off… a week or more!

You can probably relate with any exercise program you have ever tried? That day you decided to take holiday? How many days did it take to recover from that? Maybe you are one of the few people who can take a holiday without it impacting your ability to start back up the next day. I know personally for me, every time I took a day off or more.. sometimes it would absolutely break my habit of something, and I’d find myself months in, and also a severe reduction in my ability to believe in my ability to be regular at all at anything!

Nothing serves to diminish self worth more than by disappointing oneself and falling off the things you know are good for you.

The trick here is, don’t focus on the amount of time that you are committed to do something every day.

The things I do every day, I commit to starting them. I commit to doing minimum 5 minutes. And what I find is that, that amount of time, breaks any resistance on doing them in the first place, and once you start suddenly the world of doing it, actually becomes enjoyable, and everyday you can look forward to that thing you do, because it becomes a self worth project. You feel good that you have committed everyday, and even if you do it for a few minutes — it’s good enough. You are doing what is necessary to show up for you.

Im finding the more I take responsibility for my internal world and all of my triggers and emotions, the more I am able to appreciate my world exactly how it is. I don’t need anyone or anything to change on the outside for me to have a fulfilling life. I don’t need anyone to love me more than they are, or show up in ways that isn’t possible for them, I don’t need to have a better job, or a better car or a home — (I haven’t had a home in a years, I’m nomadic :) ), home is where I am. I used to judge this about myself, and compare my life to others. Yet the more I show up for myself, the freer I become.

The more that gratitude fills my space, the more perfect everything actually is, because it’s not based on arbitary ‘shoulds’ of the thought world but of the beautiful reality of what is!

In the case you are navigating some heavy places and you are uncertain of ways to work with those aspects of shadow or what kind of daily commitments that can be done to show up for self. Get in touch with me. I’m happy to share more in depth in the types of shadows I’ve been working with and the ways I’ve been able to integrate these parts of self.

Namaste,

Esther